Help! I Willfully Blew Up My Marriage. Now I’m Seething That My Ex-Wife Is Living Her Best Life. (2024)

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Dear Prudence,

My first wife “Trish” and I divorced about five years ago. She didn’t want to have sex after the birth of our kids, so I found sex elsewhere. I was very discreet, but she found out after several years; then she informed me “what’s good for the gander is good for the goose” and she started seeing other people too. That was fine with me, as it gave me more freedom and less paranoia about getting caught cheating. Trish asked for a divorce within the year, and since my girlfriend of two years, “Annie,” had been pressuring me to leave Trish, I thought it was the best outcome for everyone. Annie and I got married soon after the divorce was final.

I see Trish every week when we hand off the kids, who are now teenagers, and I dread it. Not because she’s mean or rude … she is warm and generous and funny. I recognize that she hasn’t really changed; these traits were always there, but they were buried under my resentment over the sex thing, the nagging, the financial stress, etc. On top of that, her career took off almost as soon as we separated, but not soon enough for me to ask for alimony. She’s earning more by herself (thanks GlassDoor) than our combined household income when we were together. Her live-in boyfriend (she has told the kids she’ll never marry again, which feels like an attack on me, her one and only experience with marriage) is a well-known writer and together they travel to exotic places, eat at fancy restaurants, and have a crowd of well-known writer friends. They’re even taking the kids to London this summer while he teaches a workshop there.

I am struggling financially and having some health issues—the recent loss of a visible tooth I can’t afford to replace hit even harder than the diabetes diagnosis—and my now-wife Annie has health issues of her own that make her tired and irritable, and affect her ability to work. I used to be mostly content with my life, even when married to Trish, as long as she wasn’t nagging me. Her new life makes me feel terrible. Like the spotty overweight kid at a high school dance. I feel like in the game of divorce, I lost big, and it’s eating me up. I’m resentful that we had money problems when we were together because she didn’t work very hard—she said she was focused on the kids and the home. I hate that my daughter showed me a picture of her mom beaming happiness with her boyfriend on a mountaintop in Patagonia.

I hate the idea of therapy, and can’t afford it anyway, and the antidepressants my GP prescribed don’t seem to be doing anything. Can you help me re-frame this so I can get over it? How do I live in the life I have now, maybe even improve it, instead of going around and around about all the ways it could have gone differently for me?

—Me: 0, Ex: 100

Dear Ex: 100,

This reads like the fantasy of anyone who’s been in Trish’s position: Leave a cheating spouse and immediately begin thriving in every way, while your ex looks on, full of regret and delayed appreciation for you, with a missing tooth.

But if this letter is not in fact the work of a scorned wife using creative writing to envision a just outcome for her relationship, and is actually your request for advice, I have a few thoughts on how you might begin to feel better:

1. You should grapple with how your relationship with Trish began to go downhill. I don’t perceive even a hint of regret for the infidelity that started all this. It seems to me that before you get to making peace with the mistake you made by looking outside your marriage for sex, you should actually acknowledge to yourself that it was a mistake. You probably felt like you didn’t have any other options and I get that, but there were steps you could have taken before betraying your wife’s trust.

2.Once you’ve had a chance to sit with that, you can forgive yourself and also remind yourself that you weren’t actually that happy with Trish. You didn’t have any intimacy, you felt nagged, and the most positive word you used to describe your relationship was “content.” So you actually never had the option of being with the current, jet-setting, high-earning, happy version of her. That wasn’t on the table for you. My guess is that a lack of connection between the two of you made your marriage a place where she was unlikely to thrive the way she is now. It’s possible things started falling into place for her after you split because she had the partner she needed, and all of his unconditional support. Maybe, for example, when she was asking him to pick up some household duties while she was in the midst of an intense job search, he didn’t accuse her of nagging but instead happily agreed and also offered to do mock interviews with her. I’m not saying that to shame you, but to suggest that the right spouse can bring out the best in us—and that kind of dynamic is available to you, too!

3. Even as you try to let go of the idea that it could have been you married to Trish 2.0, give yourself permission to feel jealous. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it definitely eliminates some of the things that can make happiness tough, and you’re not wrong to wish you had the financial security Trish has, especially as you struggle with things like affording healthcare. But then maybe try to replace the jealousy with a different way of looking at your ex’s seemingly charmed new life: What if it’s not an indication of your failure, but proof that a major change in fortune is available to all of us, including you? If Trish went from financially struggling, not working (and I assume being pretty devastated that her husband was cheating on her) to beaming at the top of a mountaintop on an expensive vacation, isn’t that proof that this kind of change is possible? Could you start to imagine it for yourself and maybe look at her as inspiration rather than competition?

4. Keep trying new antidepressants. All the reframing in the world won’t make you feel better if your brain is insisting that your life sucks, so medication might be the most efficient remedy. Also, commit to finding a therapist with a sliding scale and meeting with them for six months. You don’t have to love it! Just try it. Worst case scenario, it will be a place to share all the thoughts you’ve shared in this letter repeatedly, week after week, until they don’t feel as overwhelming.

5. Don’t make the same mistakes with Annie—being critical of her limitations instead of working on your own—that you did with Trish. Two thriving ex-wives would be too much to handle! But on a more serious note, you have someone who loves you, which is more than a lot of people can say. Even if you aren’t thrilled with your life at the moment, you can make it a point to make hers better through simple things like being understanding when she’s tired, trying to cheer her up when she’s irritable, listening to her and affirming how tough it is to live with health conditions, and assuring her that things will get better. In other words, invest in this relationship in the way you didn’t in your first marriage. In the short term, it will take your mind off other people, and in the long term, it could lead to a partnership and life that excites you.

Dear Prudence,

I (32F) went no contact with my dad about a decade ago for a lot of reasons, but mostly that I couldn’t handle his flagrant narcissism or taking his mood swings out on my voicemail. It’s been great not ending a phone call a day in tears. Now, however, my brother is getting married, and I know we’ll be seated at the same table at the reception. There’s a chance that 10 years, having a baby granddaughter, and getting to see his son married (always a goal) will have him in a good mood, but that might swing over into maudlin (“princess why did you abandon me,” etc.). I have no idea how to navigate a dinner with him. Do I just ignore him? Treat him like an old acquaintance? What do I even say? I told my brother “don’t start no sh*t won’t be no sh*t,” as I am perfectly capable of being polite. I just don’t know how to act when I see him again, or what to say. Thank god it’s an open bar.

—Scared of Small Talk

Dear Small Talk

If your brother understands the nature of your relationship with your dad, maybe he would consider placing you at a different table? Making any demand about someone else’s wedding day is always tricky—and of course you don’t want to send the stressed-out couple into an anxiety spiral over seating arrangements—but a gentle “no problem if not!” request might solve your problem.

Plan B: Do you have a friendly cousin or former neighbor who might be willing to do a good deed and simply switch seats with you? Because, keep in mind, one thing they don’t do at weddings is check tickets before you take your seat. If anyone asks questions about your table assignments, you can simply say you got mixed up and quickly pivot to “Doesn’t the bride look beautiful?”

Plan C: Minimize any discomfort by taking your sweet time making your way to the table. Be the last one to leave the co*cktail hour, make a long stop in the bathroom to freshen up, and talk to whoever you run into on the way there. By the time you sit down, you’ll have shortened the time before the first dance and speeches are underway. Greet your dad with something light that places the focus on your brother or the bride rather than the two of you. Think: “Hi Dad. Can’t believe Tom is all grown up and married! Doesn’t he look great?” Then plan to make intense conversation with a non-Dad person seated near you. Finally, if he gets out of line despite all this, have an exit plan. Pretend to take a call, step outside, and chat with a friend who you’ve prepared to be available at this moment until it’s safe to return, when dancing has begun and you can easily lose your father in the crowd.

Dear Prudence Uncensored

“I mean, I know I would hesitate to seat two people together when one of them was going into the event with a “Don’t’ start no sh*t won’t be no sh*t” spirit. That basically tells me there will be some sh*t.”

Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

I’m in my early 30s and have spent the last 10 years living and working in the U.K. with my British husband. I’ve always daydreamed about moving back to the U.S., if just for a temporary stent, and my husband is now on board! Only, now I’m a little worried. Despite growing up in the U.S., I’ve spent my entire career in the U.K., where the work-life balance is great. I work seven-hour days, get 40 vacation days a year, never do overtime or work late, and employers are legally obligated to consider all requests for flexible working. Are the stereotypes about American workplaces—that everyone works long hours, that you’re lucky if you get a couple weeks off per year—actually true? No one seems to post this info in their job ads. I’m excited by the idea of moving back, but I don’t know if a miserable work grind is worth the better weather and delicious Mexican food.

—Work to Live vs. Live at Work

Dear Work to Live,

I do think the stereotypes are generally true, but there are definitely exceptions, so I wouldn’t want you to give up on your American Dream and decent burritos without doing a little more research. You need to know what things are like in your specific industry, and at the companies you plan to interview with. To get that information, poke around on GlassDoor and consider identifying people in roles like the one you see yourself in and reach out on LinkedIn for informational interviews, where you can delicately inquire about “culture” and “work-life balance.” Another option, if you’re truly open to the U.S. experiment being temporary, would simply be to move and start working (for the employer who seems the least like a sweatshop based on what you can learn during the hiring process) with a plan to simply quit and move back if you’re miserable. The very idea of having an out might make the grind feel more bearable, at least for a time.

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Dear Prudence,

My sister-in-law is 23 and refuses to learn how to drive. Her parents chauffeur her everywhere, despite the fact that our part of the country makes it nearly impossible to get anywhere without a car. My father-in-law lost his job and got offered another one out of state. Only my SIL doesn’t want to go with them, since her school and friends are here. My husband and I live on the outskirts of the city, so any travel is a trek through horrible construction and traffic. My in-laws want us to put up with my SIL until she graduates next year.

My husband wants to do a trial run. I refuse. I work from home, so I am going to be the one driving Miss Daisy around. My SIL is not disabled in any way. I have suggested that she needs to look into moving in with a friend or learn to drive before the move. She got upset and accused me of not caring about her education. I told her it wasn’t my job to hold her hand like her parents do. This is a huge bone of contention between my in-laws and me. My husband thinks I am being unreasonable. A big part of me keeping my remote position was that I don’t want to deal with the daily grind of traffic. And the university is clear on the other side of the city.

Dear No Drive,

You work from home, not from your car. A remote job does not make you available! Why don’t people get this? “I’m not willing to drive her anywhere during my workday, or at any other time that it’s not convenient for me. It’s fine for her to stay with us, but I want to be clear that she can’t count on me for transportation,” could have been the beginning and end of this conversation. That, and perhaps suggesting your sister-in-law familiarize herself with Uber.

In any case, it’s not your business whether your SIL learns to drive or was parented well—and I wish you would have stayed on topic and avoided escalating things by telling her what she should be doing. In fact, I wish you would have spoken only to your husband. This is his sister, and if he wants her to live in his home, he can figure out the logistics. To get this point across, it might actually help to agree to a trial run. You can demonstrate during that time (by repeating, “Sorry, I’m working right now! The bus schedule is available online”) that you are not a chauffeur.

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Dear Prudence,

What is the etiquette for wedding showers when you are having a small destination wedding? My fiancée (28F) and I (37M) are planning a wedding next year, and it is going to be a small destination wedding with a small guest list. Neither of us ever wanted a big wedding (think immediate family and a few close friends, about 20-25 guest list total). My mother is asking me what to do about wedding showers. Apparently, the tradition is that everyone who was invited to the wedding is invited to the shower. I had no idea that was the convention, but it makes sense. I have a much larger extended family than my fiancée does and she is estranged from part of her family on top of that.

I am not sure what to tell her. What is the convention these days for something like that? Since we are having a small wedding, I am most concerned about not offending anyone or to have something seem like an attempt to get gifts. I discussed it with my fiancée and she does not expect my mother or our family to do anything. She will have a shower and obviously my mom would be invited, but she is not expecting anything with our larger family. This seems fine to me. Is that the norm in this situation?

—Unfamiliar with Shower Dynamics

Dear Shower Dynamics,

I really think a lot of wedding etiquette and tradition (even the idea of having multiple pre-wedding events that people are expected to attend) originated at a time when everyone lived in the same place as all their friends and family and had the wedding in the church basem*nt. Inviting guests who are spread out throughout the country to an event at a separate destination really changes things. So instead of looking to rules or how things are typically done, we should focus on the bigger goal: Celebrating in a way that makes you happy, while considering the feelings of those involved enough so that they come away with warm fuzzy feelings about your union—or at least aren’t so offended or inconvenienced that they rant about you in their group chats.

In this case, your fiancée is happy with one small shower with her friends, so that’s what she should have. I can’t imagine anyone in your extended family expecting to be invited. If your mom would like to host something shower-ish and your fiancée is okay with it, something like manicures and/or brunch (no gifts) at the destination, in the day or two before the wedding, just for the women who are there, would be a nice touch.

Dear Prudence,

My daughter is getting married and is on a tight budget. She did not give my sister a plus one because she hasn’t dated anyone in years. My sister is upset that she did not get a plus one. My daughter also did not give any other guests a plus one who is not dating anyone. My sister called my daughter and told her she should not have a wedding if she can’t afford one. I don’t know what to say to my sister. My sister is upset because she says she is over 60 years old and should be allowed to bring someone. I understand she is lonely, but my daughter does not want someone at the wedding she hasn’t met.

—Upset and Hurt at My Sister

Dear Upset and Hurt,

This response sort of builds on the previous one. While there’s no rule that says you have to offer a plus one to guests who are coupled, it’s a really nice thing to do if you have even the slightest interest in people having a positive experience with your big day or thinking nice thoughts about you. But since your daughter made a different choice, it was your sister’s job to take that information and use it to decide whether or not she wanted to attend. “I’ve been on this earth for 60 years and I deserve to have someone to talk to at the reception as much as everyone else” is a perfectly reasonable stance, but it’s one you say to yourself as you check “Regrets,” not one that you call the bride and yell about. She was way out of line for that.

But to answer your question about what you should say to her: You don’t have to mediate this dispute! Your daughter is grown up enough to be married and therefore grown up enough to manage family relationships on her own. You can leave it at “I’m sorry to hear that” and quietly hope she backs out so your daughter can invite someone who isn’t a bully in her place.

Classic Prudie

While trying to print a file on my husband’s laptop, I accidentally clicked on a folder that contained images of naked women, including one picture of someone who seemed underage. When I confronted my husband about this, he said that he wanted to try drawing those pictures. He did indeed take up drawing recently, but I’m still uncomfortable with that one picture.